修行会

A long time ago while in the US Army, a new character started appearing in dreams. This character was a tall androgynous figure dressed appropriate to the setting—the faceless man (FL). Several “signatures” of FL had been consistent between dreams. First, FL‘s face had been and continues to be obscured by aspects of situations (e.g., looked away at just the moment looking FL‘s direction, someone walked in front just as his face was turning to be seen, bright backlighting flooded the face). Second, FL would appear when a new leap in skill emerged. Third, FL would occasionally reiterate a different path than that of normalized society. This post shall dive into each one of these three “signatures” and offer some insight into how these had each been formative of Kiba, today. Following this, a discussion will be offered, where it will be hoped that the reader may discover their own FL that accompanies needs of autonomy, competency, relatedness (see Ryan & Deci, 2000). In this respect, autonomy is supported by anonymity, competency by insight, and relatedness by identification with life as a whole.

Anonymity

The “faceless” quality was not related to FL having no face, but that each time FL‘s face would be seen, even if he was standing straight in front of you, someone or something would inadvertently get in the way. That said, there was no effort to see FL’s face, nor disheartened feeling not seeing it—it was just a matter of fact that his face would always serendipitously be obscured. The one time I came closest to seeing FL, a peer martial arts practitioner had raised a hand, and I turned to look at her instead of FL, then upon looking back to FL, he had already turned demonstrating something. Another time, the sun was so bright against his back that all I had seen was FL’s body as weak eclipse of starlight. This persisted across decades whenever FL appeared in dreams.

Leaps of Skill

Now, what is unique to FL’s appearance in dreams is that he always showed up when a marked insight triggered a phenomenal leap in skill. Before sleep, there would be nothing notable. No profound insights related to the dream to come, nor the lesson in the dream. Just practice, meditation, study, programming, and arts. Off to sleep, and then a scene would emerge. Many times FL would appear in the context of a keiko session as FL was also a martial artist, but a very refined one at that. One of the earliest dreams with FL had been deeply disturbing, yet highlighted contrast.

The Beautiful and the Ugly

In the disturbing dream, we had been in a large room where the walls were so far away, there was a haze. There was light everywhere and in this dream there were peers practicing. FL was mentoring with few words, and mostly gestures, how to “get around” peer movements that were natural yet frustrating to technique. FL waived for my peer to sit down and FL for the first time had invited to practice directly. When standing, I had looked forward, and it was too late. FL was advancing slowly, calmly, while dragging a sword on the floor. It was ugly, unrefined, and brutal. The sword was haphazardly dangling out of a limp closed hand. The contrast to the sharp, careful, precise body motion was disturbing. Death was at hand, that blade bending left and right, bouncing off the floor, clanging and making a racket was merely a distraction. FL had not broken his gaze, nor stance—FL had been victorious and held onto without a break. He then stopped about a sword‘s length away. I remember at that moment he said something, and to this day, it was merely a mumble. Yet these mumbles were procedural, implicit memories encoded beyond the semantic. Each time a lesson from FL brought change.

The next morning, I remember practicing with a close friend. After keiko, I asked if I could demonstrate what had been learned in the dream. I trusted them. Looking back, I probably could have used some advice that Saotome Sensei had given me much later (i.e., “real Aikido is not on the mat”). The friend assented, and I reconstituted what the dream had already imprinted in procedural memory. My friend backed up a step for every step I had taken and then ran into the wall of the dojo, and asked me to stop. I complied and desired to never repeat this practice. As terrible as this experience was not only for my friend, but myself, it had become the foundation for something greater, and something that healed.

Over time, I then became more comfortable controlling contrasting states between beauty and ugliness, yet a parallel discussion around this time was related and is worth sharing. A fellow dojo member had lived in Japan and studied Japanese dance with a professional group of many generations. The methodology for new practitioners was to spend years being ugly before beauty. I remembered being strongly impressed upon by this reality, in that it allow for mastering principles of contrast rather than techniques of what is contrasted (e.g., focusing on beautiful form). In this realm, I could rapidly deploy beauty and ugly at any moment. The randomness of the ugly with the predictability of beauty allowed to randomize the deployment of beauty.

Shikko’s Ikkyo

One of the most profound changes in skill had been during a keiko session in dreams related to shikko (i.e., knee walking). I remember the keiko session with peers and the faceless many demonstrated with little words, and made a gesture. Suddenly something clicked, and I moved completely different. I remember gliding across the floor, and peers did as well. In the following morning’s keiko session I remember we had practiced shikko and fellow dojo members asked me how I moved after the session. There was a decent sized group and I remember trying to describe, “it’s like all of this goes out from under you.” I used gestures to communicate it, but it didn’t really get across, though I could see attempts to grok what was being shown. The changes to standing taijutsu had been further affected by this sudden procedural insight.

When practicing any variation of ikkyo, a new wave appeared and it could absolutely fold an attacker over with ease. It was as if a south swell ocean wave meets a cove and reverberates the wave against a convex lens focusing all the power back toward the “opponent’s” center, just off axis to create spin. Uke would collapse under their own reflected energy. There was little effort required, as the structure was now different, less of a “human” and more of an on-demand lens. This ability was analogously applied in various situations.

Regardless if it was a beginner or advanced practitioner of 30+ years, ikkyo suddenly more about a very complex series of movements well before any attack. These movements were machinations of unity with the universe in the old language, and “internal power” in the tangential language. As I am influenced by Kruglanski (1975) and the rejection of internal-external delineations in favor of endogenous-exogenous dimensions of action (i.e., ends—means), it is difficult for me to accept or convey that these movements, postures, attitudes etc. are internal or external. The reality is that there is insight guiding procedural memory.

A Different Path

During another session, it was a rare occasion where FL had given a lecture post keiko. Yes, what was nice about dreams with FL, was that I got an opportunity to practice in dreams. The lecture was inspirational as it had been about the entire group‘s collective progress, and a critical mass required to move forward. At the end of the lecture, FL proceeded to give one piece of commentary to each student. I remember he gave one of my closest peers advice, then without breaking stride, said, “and you, it’s amazing how quickly you‘re not becoming human.” I remember being mixed about this comment for decades, though accepting today, it makes perfect sense.

The mixed emotions had been about a disconnect with Homo sapiens, but at the same time connecting with all of life on the planet, universe, and cosmos (inclusive of multiple universes). Somehow I felt accepted, included, and part of something greater through this comment, though the only individuals I shared it with had been few. It was a treasure, and still is. As a furry, it just made sense because dividing the world into species seems to do something mentally, physically, and spiritually. It specializes the generalization of neural networks, and feedback loops of systems that limitless lifeforms share.

The next day, skill grew tremendously yet again. Founded on the beauty–ugly contrast and the movement of shikko, now it was time to practice aiki to a greater degree. Movements would be started, halted, paused, aborted, and change in short spans of time. Uke would either respond or go berserk and attack all out. I felt more freedom as uke‘s frustration lead to more real situations. Legs would over-extend, and allow a leg to be placed well in advance to intercept a step to prevent the leg’s retraction leading to balance breaking. A hand thrown would retract, yet intercept my elbow causing a reverberation which twisted uke’s spine. The most destructive movements could occur, where a mere resistance against shihonage would again intercept a “ratchet” on the opposite side resisting, where reverberation would be sent immediately in an amplified wave tossing the individual well over my shoulders above my head. The movements were fluid, soft, and sweeping, yet the outcomes seemed violent, aggressive, and powerful.

I decided to work on smoothing the end of these motions out to care for people, to orient their bodies in the air to prevent damage. I would hold on just enough to reorient an uke‘s body onto their side, releasing just in time for their arm to twist out and hit the mat with the most safe orientation. This took tremendous skill in understanding and intuiting kinematics. Unfortunately, mentally, some did not expect this, nor felt safe in their own bodies, nor were ready for it, so I had only gone ”there” with few. Today, if practicing, my goal is to start by encoring individuals that they can go a little further than where they are at, yet it may bring a bit of anxiety, nervousness, or such. Affective forecasting is studied deeply in psychological literature and it is worth reviewing for a martial artist (see Lerner et al., 2015).

Discussion

While this has been a brief introduction to FL, and had illustrated only a few cases, FL had and continues to appear whenever insight leads to a sudden reconfiguration of procedural memory which manifests/displays as leaps in skill. The reality is that the elements of these leaps were already there, the change was in the reorganization. For myself, in depth interdisciplinary practice in the implicit memory systems reflected in the episodic is where I spent the majority of my practices. My words had been extremely limited, and this had been fortuitous. The anonymity empowered leaps of skill by allowing for privilege in minimized social enforcements of various group norms. I retained close affiliation not with individuals but with procedural memory, and studied it in great detail, aided by the increased resolution via meditative stability. But was it me?

I know today that I was also in part FL, and that FL is in part me. Just as the muscles, sinews, and facia animate this skin, so too does the entirety of this body animate the furry. Is it ultimately me? No, not in the least. This brings a sense of freedom in that the truth is that awareness itself is faceless and tips toward the anonymous. Awareness is insightful and bends toward increasing skill. Finally, awareness is beyond exclusivity to H. sapiens, therefore it is beyond human. FL wasn’t merely describing me, FL was a manifestation and display of awareness, anonymized, skillful, and free.

To the reader, perhaps you will meet another form of FL, for awareness is limitless in its displays and manifestations. I know, and remember FL—I am FL, but ultimately I am not FL. For enlightenment, in matters of bu, is beyond this or that form, and I am not these. Despite the pressure it may incur, and the belief in discomforts avoided, you are not these. If there is an ability to detach, renounce, and constrain, then perhaps some day you too can find martial freedom from fixed forms produced by strain’s limits on adaptation.

Good luck!

Notes

^-1 The reason the bokken is reversed in the image is intentional. Though not meeting initial quality standards, it was decided to keep OpenAI ChatGPT-4‘s rendition as it reflects the reverse blade concept that had been evidenced sparsely in stories and anime (e.g., るろうに剣心 -明治剣客浪漫譚- [i.e., Rurouni Kenshin]). It is for this reason that the bokken is reversed. In addition, there are times where a reversed blade is advantageous—don’t get stuck on form!

References

Lerner, J. S., Li, Y., Valdesolo, P., & Kassam, K. S. (2015). Emotion and decision making. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 799–823. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010213-115043