| Horseman | Conception(s) | Neutralizer |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | [will]attack/blame[ed] characteristics of identit<y|ies> “behind every criticism is a wish” | “gentle startup”; talk about feelings using “I statements” in positive ways (i.e., “I feel [insert feeling/affect word here (e.g., sad, angry, frustrated, joyous, enchanted, energized, engaged, shaken, perplexed, rejecting, worried, serene, scared, panic, regret, accepting, safe, curious, edgy, relaxed)]”). for a list of feelings, see Hoffman’s feeling list. |
| Contempt | [will]execute[ed] disrespect, mocking, ridicule, sarcasm, name calling, and mimicking “single greatest predictor of divorce” | build culture of appreciation and respect; express appreciation, gratitude, affection, and respect; since trust is meditated by respect, this helps build trust. |
| Defensiveness | [will]deploy[ed] excuse and play innocent victim Response to stress and attack. | take responsibility for the part of the conflict (i.e., person A neutralizes their own defensiveness by taking responsibility for part of conflict, rather than person A’s defensiveness being neutralized by person B’s taking of responsibility). |
| Stonewalling | [will]behave[ed] to withdraw, shut down, stop responding (e.g., tune out, act busy, engage in distractions, or turn away) Response to contempt, psychological flooding. | engage in psychological self-soothing; breaks of at least 20 minutes for physiological calming (e.g., engage in music, reading, exercise, meditation, breathing, things one enjoys); avoid righteous indignation, innocent victimhood (i.e., rumination) |
Additional contributions from Gottman et al. (1994/1995) are considered as well.
References
Bridley, L., & Lane, C. (2021). Principles of social psychology, 2nd Ed. Washington State University.
Gottman, J. M. (2014). What predicts divorce?: The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Psychology Press.
Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of family psychology, 7(1), 57.
Gottman, J., Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon and Schuster. (Original work published 1994)
Lesitsa, E. (2013, April 24). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Gottman.com. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/.